Uncertain Reality
by Humanized Serenity
Summary: Just like the Earth went around the sun, Alec Lightwood would always be in love with Jace. Or so the blond Shadowhunter thought. He never expected his reality to change so much... And so quickly. It hurt. Dedicated to Nel!


He should be happy for him. They were brothers after all; best friends… Parabatai. He should be happy that he finally found someone who loves him as he is; who could make him smile and laugh… Someone who could make him happy. He really should be happy for him.

But he is not.

It's not like he doesn't care for Alec. No, Jace cares. He cares a lot, in fact. But it hurts more than he ever thought possible to see the shy Shadowhunter so happy in the arms of another. It hurt so damn much to see him laughing without a care in the world, see him smile, see the pure love and devotion in his eyes… And to know that it wasn't him who had this effect on Alec.

For years he took the older Shadowhunter's love for granted. He knew about Alec's feelings and never did anything about it. Some may call it cruel, leading him on like that; others would call it being considered, not wanting to embarrass the boy by revealing his feelings were not as secret as he hoped. Whatever it was, it doesn't change the fact that Jace knew about it and never did anything. It was one of those simple but absolute facts of life: The sky was blue, the Earth went around the sun, he was the best Shadowhunter who ever lived, and Alec was in love with him. Nothing could ever change that.

Oh, how wrong he had been. But, to be fair, he doesn't carry the entire fault there. Alec had always been so protective of him and Izzy on the battlefield; so quick to put his life in danger just to make sure they were safe. Whenever Jace needed, Alec would be there. If Jace needed someone to hit when he felt angry, someone to joke around, someone to just sit by his side when he was hurting but didn't want to talk about it… Alec would always be the one there for him. Was it really that surprising he was expecting to be this way forever?

It happened after that battle with the Great Demon. That was the first time he realized that Alec may not be around forever. Kind of silly, really. As a Shadowhunter, one should always expect an early death; expect to see friends going to the battlefield but never coming back. Why did he believe Alec was an exception to that rule? But when he saw Alec's pale unconscious body… It felt like someone had grabbed his heart and squeezed as tight as they could do without making it burst. It scared him; for the first time he was faced with the possibility of a life without Alec.

The Angel smiled upon them that day though. Alec woke up, got better… And things were going to go back to normal. Or so he though.

He should have seen it sooner; the way he looked at Alec, that is. It was clear the Warlock was in love. His cat eyes showed nothing but pure adoration, pure devotion… Pure love. It wouldn't be a lie to say that Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, lived to make sure Alec was safe and happy. He went out of his way to make him laugh, to make him smile. He did more than he was asked to, without payment, to make sure Alec would not get hurt. He was completely, head-over-heels in love with Alec.

And Jace never thought that Alec would reciprocate those feelings.

So when he took notice of the small changes the Warlock's influence was having on his parabatai, it hurt. Well, Alec was not walking around in tight pants and rainbow colored shirts, discussing with Izzy which make-up he should use, thank the Angel for that, but he still changed. His eyes glowed a little brighter every day. He smiled now; and only then did Jace realize that it had been years since he had last seen Alec smile. He laughed. He was happy; finally happy after years.

And it fucking hurt.

How come he never noticed those things before? How did he miss the fact that Alec was so unhappy? Why didn't he realize that the shy boy was slowly crumbling into the pits of despair? Alec was always there to protect him, but who was protecting Alec? No one. The Shadowhunter was in a self-destructive path, being slowly swallowed by darkness, consumed by loneliness. And Jace never noticed. Not until someone came and pulled Alec out of his own misery. What a great parabatai he was.

And it also hurt to know that the main reason for that unhappiness was him. Alec would never blame him, but Jace knew better. How must have he felt during all those years? To be in love with another boy when they lived in a society that prided itself on its traditional ways? To love his parabatai, best friend, his own brother? Jace knew how he felt: Disgusted. It was clear, looking back now. Alec hated himself for loving him. He thought he was disgusting, wrong, unworthy of anything…

It hurt… To know that the love Alec felt for him only brought him pain. Love is not supposed to be like that. Jace certainly never felt like that when it came to Alec's feelings towards him. Hell, he felt even more special because of it. To think that he was able to capture the young Lightwood's heart; that he was the most important person in Alec's life… It felt so damn awesome! He thought he could do anything! If he could make shy, closed off, Alec love him, then what couldn't he do?

And then the Warlock, Magnus, came, and everything slowly started to change. Soon Jace was not the most important man in Alec's life. Sure, he was still there to offer comfort when he needed, but it was not the same. When Jace looked into those blue eyes, the devotion, the love he used to indulge himself in was no longer there.

But the worst part was knowing that Magnus made Alec happy. It was knowing that all those years Jace could have done something to lessen Alec's pain, yet he never did. He was too selfish, too concern with himself. He thought things would never change, that he would forever hold Alec's heart. Then came in the sparkly Warlock, and Alec could smile again. Alec would laugh. Alec would make jokes. Alec was happy. The love Alec felt for Magnus brought him all of that, it healed him, pulled him from the dark abyss that devoured his soul… While the love he felt for Jace was the reason why needed saving in the first place.

So yeah, it hurt. It hurt to know that the one making Alec comfortable in his own skin for the first time was not him. It hurt to know that when in need of a comforting shoulder, Alec would go to someone else. It hurt to know that he would never be able to make Alec smile or laugh like Magnus did. It hurt that Alec's number one was not him anymore. It hurt to see those two together, Magnus with his arms around his waist, Alec timidly embracing his neck, as their lips met. It hurt to see the love and passion in that kiss; to wish that he was the one who had Alec in his arms right now. It hurt too goddamn much.

They say you never realize what you truly had until it is lost. Well, that's not completely true. Jace realized what he had in Alec long ago; he just never valued it. And now it was too late.

But Alec was happy… So he should be too, right? Well, he wasn't.

Because it hurt too fucking damn much.


End file.
